I was waiting to write a blog for quite some time now. I started off many times. But there was something which always pulled me back. I opened SankalpIndia.Net a couple of times and logged out without posting a word. the wish to post came from the emotional high that I went though recently.
What I want to talk about today is the need for winning. I remember myself as a young boy who was highly ambitious and inclined to win one way or the other. I was competitive to put it in the easiest way - competitive like hell. I was one of those young students around who take pride in doint their work the best possible way. But the rider was that I was closed - my work was my work and just my own. I took pride in it and tried to ensure that I protected it from anyone who could potentially use it. I was worst at drawing, and yet, I drew all my drawings. Not that they were beautiful in any way, but still I kept them hidden. I did not want others to see them and try something by themselves on similar lines. If I spent money lavishly on something as a young child, it was on getting loads and loads of books copied from public libraries. I prepared by assignments with passion and hard work which I am still proud of. What I am not that proud of when I look back is the fact that beyond my teachers no one really had access to my work!
I was competitive in many ways. I wanted to be on the top. I wanted all the prizes for myself. I wanted to prove a point. And I did! I tasked success in the way that makes me feel very lucky today.
In the first year, the same person took on the heat of the world - took the competition head on. And guess what - I succeeded. my marks were good. Good enough to make my competitors pretty jealous.
All those years I was in a constant struggle with people. I was always striving to put myself ahead of someone. If I lost, I felt down, if they lost, I fest the sadistic pleasure of having put the other person down. All this while, I was harboring a second personality, a more silent personality, that eventually came out.
I wanted to admit this today (as I have done many times since I first realized this), before i could share my emotional high.
I am getting addicted to positive human emotions. I am getting addicted to smiling faces. I am getting addicted to hopeful eyes. I am on a high having seen and experienced the beauty that is there all around me. The wish and the desire to be a person who can keep all in control has given way to the wish and the desire to be a part of a happy group. The dreams of ruling the sky have given way to the whims and fancies of being one with the grass and the dust of the ground. Pleasure has started coming in not from maintaining an identity but from loosing one. Even before I could do the smallest thing to be noticed, I have begun to draw pleasure in going unnoticed. Being one with my surrounding is gradually beginning to become the life goal.
You know what, now when I listen to that Taare Zameen Par song, 'Dunia ka naara' I feel more like the kid :D
It's not that i am running out of steam .. It's not that I have given up on my dreams.. It's not that I have decided to drop the miles that I need to walk in favour of the dark deep forests. It's just that, god has blessed me with the realization that I need everyone around me to be with me in my journey all the time. I have begun to rely on the goodness and love that is showered upon me by my surroundings, the beauty of this great nation and all it's people - the innate goodness of the society more than the I ever did. As for myself, rather than see myself as the warrior and the ultimate fighter, I am happier seeing myself as the channel, the path, the companion, the <i>kevat</i>, the worker .. to serve .. to support.. and make believe.