News can at times tear your head apart. I got news - some news. And it did a wonderful harmonal/enzymatic/neural reaction in my body. I have not been able to sleep well. The news hounds me all the time. I am hearing about it at the back of my head. I am feeling my fingers experience what must have happened when hat news was being made. I don't know whether to be angry or to feel sorry or to pray. I am helpless. Just that the news has come to me and I am only trying to come to terms with it.
The news has reached me late - very late. It has reached me at a time when the healing touch of time has taken away all the pain that it once had with it and now what remains is memories and people who have learnt to live with the events that unfolded. I can't do anything. And partly, this is the problem. Partly this is the reason why I am acting a bit insane and trying to get what is inside out by means of words. I can't do anything. The realisation sucks! Being a silent witness sucks. And probably, for good or he bad, the DNA in me wont let me ignore and move on easity. Hypocritically, having written that statement, I am reminded of the hundreds of nights in the past when some issue put my guts on fire! I remeber the times, like this one or even worse, when things just broke down with the same helplessness. And then, with time, I too come to terms with it.
I don't want to come to terms with anything! I don't want to ignore! I want to do something! I really do! It is hard to let g of the things that bother you so much so very easily.
I want to direct all my frustration and anger, all my helplessness to make me strong. I want to be strong so that I can act - do something. I just hope that the darker sides - the weakness in me gets burnt with these fires and leaves me a bit more purified.
Nevertheless, I hope to continue doing what I am doing! I hope to put up some fight. For years now I have been blowing my lungs out at the incoming storms, hoping to push them away. I will continue to do so. In all my insignificance, I feel. And until I feel - I wont let the feelings die!