I once maintained a garden. When I started with it, I knew nothing about the flowers, the plants and the trees. All i knew is that it is me who should be maintaining that garden. I used to spend some time each day taking care of my garden. The smallest of things were looked into. Whetever was not just right was treated immediately. I learnt then. I learnt a lot. I got to know a lot about plants and how to keep them. My garden was always green and fresh. It was blooming and bright. My sweat and my blood was nurturning it. I cannot really compare my garden with that of the world's because I never cared what the world does with their garden. But to my eyes - my own eyes, it was a delight! I was so very proud of it.
Then I met someone along the way who shared the will to nurture the garden the very same way. I found company! I was very happy to share the little that I had learnt about my garden with the new keeper. I made my garden - our garden! Seasons changed. Gradually I began relying upon the person to take care of my garden. Some days I would not go and water the plants knowing that the other person will. Some days I left the planting of seeds and the harvesting of trees to the other person. It is not that I gave up on my garden and did not want to do the same things anymore. It is jsut that i had found a companion - a person who would shared the desire to maintain the garden with me - and I was very willing not just to trust the person on that but also relay upon the person.
Nevertheless, I did keep finding time to revisit my garden on and off and see if things were fine. In last few years - that changed too! I just got too engrosed with the other things in my life - so much so that I just left the garden to the other person. Nature had rules which should not be bent or broken! What you must take care of - you must take care of! I messed up! For sometime, I moved on. But, at the back of my mind, I was assured that the garden is still being kept in some good shape.
One day, after growing tired and irritated of the world's ways, I decided to revisit my old garden. I came and sat. I saw things around. Very quickly the noise in the head gave way to the realisation of what the garden had come to. The trees were no longer green. The shrubs were not pruned. The flowers were not blooming any more. There were heaps of leaves all around. Something broke inside - broke down real hard. I felt myself immersed with the guilt of not having taken care of my garden. I felt the immense guilt of leaving it in someone's else hands and moving on. How could I do that? How could I believe that like me, the other person cannot have enough reasons to move on? There was intense pain in the heart. No hard feelings for the other keeper - just the shame - the sorrow - the guilt of having done injustice - having not loved my garden enough!
They say, it is never too late. I am not the kind of a person who can sit and suffer in silence for long. I picked up the broom and gradually stared cleaning the place up. I did not give enough time to the garden still to restore it to it's original glory. But, I took it back upon myself to get it back in shape. My hands - I - am limited. My will power, my dedication is limited. The work that I did for the garden was limited. The garden is still far from the original shape. Nevertheless, I feel a bit more comfortable now.
I met the other keeper some time back. It was mixed feelings. It is still our garden - however - I feel reluctance to share any work! My heart and my head are torn apart. I do not know why this mixed bag of emotions is pounding upon me. I don't really know how much and how should I share any more.
Bent - broken - shattered, both me and my garden! I want to bring it back in shape with my own hands - probably that is the only way I will be able to heal my wounds, nurse my injuries and rebuild my castle on sand.