Dont hang up!
This is a article taken from Sunday Herald Articulations April 16 2006. Melanie P Kumar Dear Binoo, This letter is long overdue and I am sorry that it took so long to write. I had to make peace with what transpired with Perin before I could bring myself to talk to you again. You must know that I felt you were as much to blame for Perin's death as I. You, for not realizing that something was terribly wrong despite being her husband, and me for being her dearest friend and yet not managing to persuade her to take help for the depression that had seized her. There were several occasions on which she had told me, half jokingly, about how she had made attempts to take her own life and I did not take them seriously. I know now that when a person talks about taking their life, it is a cry for help, which those around must understand and try to do something about. Alas, if only I had known this earlier, but who can turn back the clock and we have to live with our regrets.
As you know, Perin and I knew each other since our nursery school days and that is why I used to tease you and say, "I know her better than you and always will!" Circumstances sometimes result in one having to eat one's words. Anyway, let me go back to the reason for writing to you. Perin's death hit me so badly as also the guilt associated with it. So, on a suggestion from colleagues, I joined an evening counselling course that took us through the aspects of dealing with drugs, alcoholism, suicide and many of the other problems that seem to be besetting India of the 21st century. Many problems were traced back to the pressures of present-day jobs and lifestyles, and the well of loneliness that builds up inside human beings with the increase in isolation. After the course was completed, I was offered the opportunity of training with an organisation that specializes in suicide counselling. One of the reasons that I opted for this was to see whether I could set right a wrong, and the other was the alarming statistic that India's IT capital, where I live, had among the highest suicide rates in India. Students, young professionals and retired senior citizens all seemed to be opting for what they felt was the easy way out.
Suicide prevention After some amount of exposure, I chose to volunteer two evenings in the week, with an organisation dealing with Suicide Prevention and soon I was handling phone calls on my own. Numerous are the people who have called in and poured their hearts out about what was troubling them. It is supposed to be a counselling line but I realized soon enough that one hardly needed to talk after the opening remarks. The main thing was the ability to listen and make people feel that it was not such a lonely world after all and that life was worth living despite the trials. But of all the calls, the one in which I detected a note of desperation was that of a young girl whose mother had divorced her father and remarried. It was a tough conversation and for the first time I felt fear and a sense of inadequacy about whether I would be able to handle the situation. This was one of the first occasions when I talked as much as I listened and learnt about the girl. After speaking for a length of time, she hung off abruptly leaving me in a state of nerves because the most important thing that one says out here is, Please don't hang up!’
I opted to come in to the Cell the next day as well and what a relief it was for me to hear her voice again. She called many times after that and really opened up to me on the phone. The whole idea of the telephone line is to help protect the anonymity of the person who needs help and there are certain rules to be followed like not asking for the name or a meeting. Imagine my surprise when Ameeta revealed her name and said that she wanted to come over and see me! Ameeta and I have been friends these past few months. In some way, she has been able to relate my grief and sense of failure over the manner of Perin's death, to her own sense of desolation over her parents' break-up and a feeling of being responsible for it in some way. We have both able to talk and work our way through our personal sorrows. Ameeta has just got herself a job and has also enrolled for a counselling course, as she is keen to reach out to others. This most unexpected friendship has turned out to be a blessing and an absolution for me.
I don't know how you are coping with your feelings. You might like to attempt what I am doing if you find the time. As I write I am reminded of the old adage that Perin scribbled in her schoolgirl hand in my autograph book, "When you dig another out of trouble, you find a place to bury your own." Thank you, Perin. Your message has finally driven home. Sincerely yours, Sara